Very rarely do I feel this way, so I thought I’d write about it. I want to remember this feeling which would dissipate by this time tomorrow. I never underestimate my emotions. It almost always a trigger in producing some of my best work. My outlets are writing, painting, photography and acting. The ultimate tools for purging, although its been years since I’ve done the latter.
As my 32nd Birthday draws near in 3 days, I sit having a whiskey in the darkness of my room. On my Macbook, contemplating the personal events that happened the whole of last year. Primarily my foray into single hood. While on a trip, I broke up with someone who I was in a relationship with for 8 years. Becoming a man and coming into my own, made me realize its sometimes ok to not be ok. That letting go is part of a journey of being true to me. Now, in my 30’s, I wanted to forge a future with someone in my hand next to me, than from a distance. Much become clearer and others become a blur. I gritted my teeth and took that red-eye flight back to the emptiness. I was very sure my sunken heart, weighed so heavy, it could have taken the 200 passengers and myself down into the ocean. It’s not a clever idea to break up with someone just before taking a flight. Then again being “clever” is subjective.
To think of it, I’ve never been single on my birthday for most of my adult life. I believed that I chose well. Well, I thought I always have, probably til now. I saw people just the way they are inside. It’s not necessarily the looks or the physique. If you can’t first and foremost be the best of friends, I don’t see a future in old age when the looks and body goes. Beneath my tattoos and outgoing lifestyle, I am still just a simple man. Not many people can see me beneath my exterior. It’s perfect actually. It sifts the people I meet. It doesn’t take long to decipher what they want from me. It’s been told I’m a bad boy. A rebel of sorts. Not in the traditional sense, but mischievous in personal life, work and art. I am certainly more adventurous and spontaneous then the boy next door, outspoken and although receptive to others voices, I almost always have an opinion. I live hard never letting a moment pass me by without pouncing on it and absorbing the life lessons from it even if that meant I thread in various shades of grey. I choose to be receptive to all that the universe presents to me. Life sometimes just simply isn’t black or white.
I’ve always just had one partner at a time throughout my life, like a monogamous beast. However, with the recent turn of events on single-dom, on one hand, I feel like partaking in a gang bang, releasing that beast from the cage, or at the very least have a three-some to purge this self-deprecation. On the other, I ought to go to Cambodia, adopt a son and call him Ricochet.
Possibly my favorite word. The rather perfect word for my current state of being.
Then there was this peculiarity, Laser. I am still unsure of what happened or didn’t happen. Perhaps it was an unlikely timing or I purely misunderstood from the beginning. The thoughts of what we could have been still lingers. Nothing was said. No closure. It just was. Then it was gone just like a dream of yesterday. It’s often been said that people appear in your life to teach you a lesson. I’m still figuring out what I’m supposed to learn from this. Maybe this time, I may have finally made the wrong judgement. Theres a first for everything I presume. Life ushers you forward no matter whats happens. Like in all things, with time, these thoughts become less and less.
With my heaviness I took out my camera and took some self portraits. It’s grainy, some blurry.
Black and whites with shades of grey.
Lots of grey.